What I Know Now (3 Years Later)
A milestone, a question, and the best advice from six months of conversations
January 9, 2022, I got a call I’d been hoping to avoid for my whole adult life.
“It’s malignant.”
My mother had breast cancer twice. My sister had it at 29 (then again the summer after I finished treatment). I carry the BRCA1 mutation. I knew the odds. I’d had one of the prophylactic surgeries. And still, cancer found me.
January 9, 2026, marks three years since that call.
Here's something most people don't know: For triple-negative breast cancer, recurrence risk is highest in the first three years—then drops dramatically. (MD Anderson Cancer Center). Studies show that if you make it past year three, the math shifts significantly in your favor. Links at the end of this article.
Asking my podcast guests for advice on kicking cancer’s ass?
Six months ago, I started ending every podcast conversation with the same question: “What’s your advice for someone looking to kick cancer’s ass?”
I expected “stay positive” and “fight hard.”
What I got was different. Specific. Sometimes surprising. Often tender.
A breast imaging radiologist told me three lifestyle changes can cut breast cancer risk by 22 percent. A naturopathic oncologist who’s also a breast cancer survivor said self-compassion isn’t soft—it’s a survival skill. A stage 4 thriver told me she had two choices: be sad, or conquer. She chose conquer.
My own son told me to stop trying to protect him with silence.
This week’s episode compiles the best of what I’ve heard. But I wanted to share a few pieces here—the ones that have stayed with me, that I return to, that I wish I’d known three years ago.
A Note on “Staying Positive”
If you’ve been diagnosed with cancer, someone has probably told you to “stay positive” or “keep fighting.” Maybe you’ve wondered if your attitude could actually change your outcome—or felt guilty on days when you couldn’t muster optimism.
Here’s what the research actually says:
What’s NOT well-supported: The idea that positive thinking alone extends survival. Despite decades of study, there’s no consistent evidence that “fighting spirit” directly changes tumor biology. (American Cancer Society)
What IS well-supported:
Social support matters. Women with colorectal cancer who reported low social support had 42% higher mortality than those with strong support networks. Similar findings exist for breast cancer. (NFCR)
Stress management improves quality of life—and quality of life affects treatment. Anxiety and depression can reduce treatment adherence and tolerability, which can affect outcomes. (ASCO Guidelines)
Mindset interventions help with side effects. A Stanford study found that patients who reframed side effects as signs their treatment was working experienced fewer symptoms. (Stanford Medicine)
The bottom line: You don’t have to be positive to survive. But building support, managing stress, and staying engaged with your treatment? That’s not toxic positivity—that’s strategy.
Self-compassion isn’t giving up. It’s making sure you have enough left to keep going.
On Telling the Truth
My son Ben was 26 when I was diagnosed. He joined me on the podcast to talk about what it was like to be on the other side of my cancer.
His advice? Be transparent.
“Kids are smart,” he said. “We’re going to figure it out. If something’s wrong, we can feel it. You have to be transparent. Otherwise, we’re going to speculate, and speculation is horrible—because then we’re gonna spend more time worrying about your treatment and less time living our lives.”
Some families think they protect their kids by managing the information. Not my guests - we all learned that our kids want to know, and regardless of age, they can handle it. Ben emphasized that withholding information makes it harder.
If you’re a parent navigating cancer right now, hear this: your kids don’t need you to be okay. They need you to be honest. They can handle more than you think—and they’ll trust you more for trusting them with the truth.
On Being a Student, Not a Warrior
When I got diagnosed, my first instinct wasn’t to fight. It was to learn.
I asked oncologists how to navigate the system. I asked survivors how they stayed sane. I asked everyone I could find who had walked this road before me: What do you wish you’d known?
Dr. Dawn Lemanne, an oncologist, reminded me that cancer is usually not an ambulance-calling emergency. “You have some time to gather information and figure out what seems to be the best course for you.”
That permission—to slow down, to learn, to ask questions—was everything. It meant I didn’t have to make decisions from panic. I could make them from preparation.
Paul Apodaca, a stage 4 colorectal cancer survivor, put it this way: “Get rid of any fixed mindset. Pick up every tool you’re willing to pick up. You’re the coach of your journey. These are your team members.”
On Self-Compassion
Dr. Lise Alschuler is a naturopathic oncologist—and a breast cancer survivor. When I asked her for advice, she didn’t talk about supplements or protocols.
She talked about kindness.
“Step into this with an attitude of self-compassion and a sense of resilience,” she said. “This is going to be a long effort. A marathon, not a sprint.”
I think about this often. The pressure to be “strong” can become its own burden. The expectation that you’ll handle everything with grace, stay positive, never falter—it’s exhausting.
What if strength looked different? What if it looked like rest? Like asking for help? Like crying in the car and then picking up your kid from school anyway?
Self-compassion isn’t giving up. It’s making sure you have enough left to keep going.
On Living in the Meantime
Cindee Yandow has stage 4 breast cancer. She’s been living with it for years—raising her kids, playing soccer, traveling with her family. She told me something I haven’t stopped thinking about:
“You’re living day by day, and you don’t really understand what that means. Yes, we’re all doing that—but no, I’m literally waking up and saying: Today I’m going to do this, this, this. It’s okay. Just take it day by day. If you need to stay in bed and cry all day, do that. But then work on your mindset.”
This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s honesty. It’s permission to feel everything—and then choose what to do next.
Miguel Rueda, another stage 4 survivor, has a phrase I love: “So what? Now what?”
You have cancer. So what? What are you going to do?
On Getting Through It
Roxanne Cohen survived breast cancer twice. When I asked for her advice, she told me about her mantra:
“This is temporary. I just had to believe that. It’s like when you’re running—you can do anything for a minute. You can do anything for half a mile.”
Whether it was the first minutes of the cold cap or the chemo drugs coming in or missing a holiday because she was too sick to go—she kept telling herself: This is temporary. This is temporary. I’m still me, and this is temporary.
I love Roxanne’s mantra - I’m still me.
Cancer will change you. It has to. But it doesn’t erase you. You’re still in there—your humor, your stubbornness, your particular way of loving the people you love. That stays.
What I Know Now
Three years ago, I didn’t know what this day would look or feel like.
I didn’t know what treatment would feel like. I didn’t know if I’d lose my hair or my mind or my marriage. I didn’t know how my kids would handle it, or if I’d ever feel like myself again.
Here’s what I know now:
There’s no “over.” There’s no going back to who you were before.
But there’s a way forward—with more clarity, more connection, and more appreciation for the ordinary moments that used to feel unremarkable.
If you’re in the thick of it right now, I want you to know: you don’t have to figure this out alone. You don’t have to be a warrior. You can be a student. You can ask for help. You can cry and fight and rest and laugh, sometimes all in the same day.
And you can make it to the other side.
I’m proof.
I need your help.
If you got this far, then you either love my writing or you are deeply committed to kicking cancer’s ass.
Cancer will touch everyone’s life at some point—yours, someone you love, a colleague, a neighbor. And when that moment comes, most people don’t know where to turn for information that doesn’t terrify them.
That’s why I created this podcast and newsletter. Not doom and gloom. Not whispered conversations full of pity. Real talk, real science, and real stories from people who are living proof that cancer doesn’t get the last word.
I have a favor to ask: Think of three people in your life who might need this someday—or who love someone who might. Send them the podcast. You’re not giving them a burden. You’re giving them a resource they’ll be grateful to have when the time comes.
Here’s an email you can copy, paste, and send in 30 seconds:
Subject: A podcast worth knowing about
Hey—
I came across a podcast called Kicking Cancer’s Ass and wanted to share it with you. Not because anything’s wrong, but because it’s the kind of resource I wish everyone knew about before they needed it.
It’s hosted by a breast cancer survivor who interviews oncologists, researchers, and people who’ve been through it. It’s surprisingly uplifting—more “here’s how to take control” than “here’s why you should be scared.”
Worth a bookmark: www.joellekaufman.com/the-podcast
Hope you never need it. But if you do, you’ll be glad you have it.
[Your name]
Three people. Thirty seconds. It might be the most important email they never expected to receive.
Thank you for being part of this community. May 2026 be peaceful, happy, healthy, and prosperous.
—Joelle
🎧 Listen to the full episode here: [Insert Link]
📬 Subscribe to the newsletter:
Links
Research on Triple Negative Breast Cancer Recurrence
PMC/Frontiers in Oncology (2023) - “Characteristics of recurrence, predictors for relapse and prognosis of rapid relapse triple-negative breast cancer”
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9978400/PMC/Journal of Cancer (2013) - “Analysis of pattern, time and risk factors influencing recurrence in triple-negative breast cancer patients”
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3586394/MD Anderson Cancer Center - “Breast cancer recurrence: Which types of breast cancer are most likely to come back?”
https://www.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/breast-cancer-recurrence--which-types-of-breast-cancer-are-most-likely-to-come-back.h00-159778023.htmlWebMD - “Triple-Negative Breast Cancer: Symptoms, Causes, Treatment, and Recurrence”
https://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/triple-negative-breast-cancer
Research on mindset and cancer outcomes
1. American Cancer Society (honest and balanced): “Research hasn’t shown that keeping a positive attitude changes how long you live or how hard your experience with cancer will be... But studies also show that being optimistic when you have cancer can lead to a better quality of life.” American Cancer Society
https://www.cancer.org/cancer/survivorship/coping/attitudes-and-feelings-about-cancer.html
2. Stanford Medicine (2023) - Mindset intervention study: Researchers found that a mindset intervention could improve the self-reported overall quality of life for adults undergoing cancer treatment. Stanford Medicine The study showed that patients who were told at the outset that side effects of the medication were a positive sign that the body was responding to treatment were able to adopt a mindset that ultimately desensitized them to the typical symptoms from treatment. Stanford Medicine
3. Social Support and Mortality (Frontiers in Psychology, 2023): “Studies have shown that cancer patients who have higher levels of these kinds of support and social bonding have a better quality of life and lower mortality rates. At the same time, those who do not have all these types of support have poorer oncologic outcomes, a higher prevalence of cancer progression, and a lower overall survival rate.” PubMed Central
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10267316/
4. National Foundation for Cancer Research (2022) - Colorectal cancer study: Women diagnosed with colorectal cancer who reported low social support prior to their diagnosis experienced 42 percent higher mortality than those who reported high levels of support. NFCR
https://www.nfcr.org/blog/new-study-suggests-strong-social-support-can-improve-cancer-outcomes/
5. ASCO Guidelines (Journal of Clinical Oncology): “In the short term, stress covaries with depressive and anxiety symptoms, negative quality of life, physical symptoms, and treatment morbidities across patients, and in the long term, data show its relationship to cancer mortality.” American Society of Clinical Oncology
https://ascopubs.org/doi/10.1200/JCO.23.00293
6. PMC - Cancer and Stress Review (2024): “Anxiety and depression negatively affect quality of life and may lead to less acceptance, compliance with, or tolerability of chemotherapy. These factors may contribute to worse cancer outcomes, especially in the curative setting.” PubMed Central
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11624519/
7. NCI - Stress and Cancer (balanced view): “There is some evidence that successful management of stress through social support is associated with better clinical outcomes for people with breast cancer. Social support has also been linked to lower levels of stress-related hormones that can promote tumor progression in ovarian cancer.” National Cancer Institute
https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/feelings/stress-fact-sheet