When Benjamin Kaufman sat down for dinner on January 9, 2023, and heard his mother’s cancer diagnosis, he didn’t just process his own emotions. As the oldest of three children, he immediately started coaching his siblings through theirs. His response offers a masterclass in compassion and leadership that extends far beyond cancer, and research confirms his instincts were remarkably sound.
“My parents like to say that I was born to be an older brother, and I don’t think there’s any story that exemplifies it better than this one,” Ben reflects. What happened next proves that leadership isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about redirecting energy toward what people can control.
The Spiral Recognition System
Research confirms that children are often already aware of their reality during parental illness. In fact, a 1969 study by Binger found that of 14 parents who withheld information to protect their children, 11 of those children indicated their sense of impending death. The study noted something heartbreaking: “The loneliest of all were those who were aware of their diagnosis but at the same time recognized that their parents did not wish them to know.... No one was left to whom the child could openly express his feelings of sadness, fear or anxiety.”
The Redirection Philosophy
Ben’s approach centers on what he calls “redirecting their energy from mom’s cancer to what each of them individually needs and gets joy from.” This is strategic emotional management backed by decades of research.
Studies show that giving children roles and responsibilities during parental cancer helps maintain their sense of control and reduces feelings of helplessness. When children focus on activities within their control, like academics, sports, or creative pursuits, they maintain their developmental trajectory despite the crisis.
“For me as an older brother, I really tried to redirect their energy from mom’s cancer to what can each of them individually enjoy and get such as what can give them a happiness tripwire that simultaneously gives you your happiness tripwire.”
This redirection serves multiple purposes:
It gives siblings agency when they feel powerless
It provides concrete ways to help without becoming caregivers
It maintains family roles instead of turning everyone into auxiliary medical staff
It ensures the patient gets to hear about life continuing
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