The Older Brother’s Cancer Playbook
Framework for Family Crisis
When Benjamin Kaufman sat down for dinner on January 9, 2023, and heard his mother’s cancer diagnosis, he didn’t just process his own emotions. As the oldest of three children, he immediately started coaching his siblings through theirs. His response offers a masterclass in compassion and leadership that extends far beyond cancer, and research confirms his instincts were remarkably sound.
“My parents like to say that I was born to be an older brother, and I don’t think there’s any story that exemplifies it better than this one,” Ben reflects. What happened next proves that leadership isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about redirecting energy toward what people can control.
The Spiral Recognition System
Research confirms that children are often already aware of their reality during parental illness. In fact, a 1969 study by Binger found that of 14 parents who withheld information to protect their children, 11 of those children indicated their sense of impending death. The study noted something heartbreaking: “The loneliest of all were those who were aware of their diagnosis but at the same time recognized that their parents did not wish them to know.... No one was left to whom the child could openly express his feelings of sadness, fear or anxiety.”
The Redirection Philosophy
Ben’s approach centers on what he calls “redirecting their energy from mom’s cancer to what each of them individually needs and gets joy from.” This is strategic emotional management backed by decades of research.
Studies show that giving children roles and responsibilities during parental cancer helps maintain their sense of control and reduces feelings of helplessness. When children focus on activities within their control, like academics, sports, or creative pursuits, they maintain their developmental trajectory despite the crisis.
“For me as an older brother, I really tried to redirect their energy from mom’s cancer to what can each of them individually enjoy and get such as what can give them a happiness tripwire that simultaneously gives you your happiness tripwire.”
This redirection serves multiple purposes:
It gives siblings agency when they feel powerless
It provides concrete ways to help without becoming caregivers
It maintains family roles instead of turning everyone into auxiliary medical staff
It ensures the patient gets to hear about life continuing
The research supports this approach. Multiple studies show that when children and adolescents maintain their everyday activities and peer connections during parental illness, they show better psychological adjustment. The alternative, taking on adult responsibilities and losing childhood activities, is associated with increased depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress symptoms.
The Control Framework
Perhaps Ben’s most sophisticated insight involves the distinction between controlled and uncontrolled variables. “This was somewhere I felt so powerless. I really wanted to focus on aspects of life where I had control, getting a job, college, playing baseball, these parts of our life that feel so important because they are important.”
This framework became his guiding principle for the entire family. Instead of everyone obsessing over the one thing none of them could control (the cancer), he directed their attention to areas where their actions mattered.
Research on pediatric oncology shows that children with cancer who focus on controllable aspects of their lives develop better coping mechanisms and demonstrate greater emotional resilience. The same principle applies to siblings and family members facing a loved one’s diagnosis.
“No matter what, we don’t have control over [cancer]. But we do have control over” the rest of their lives. The result: his siblings performed better academically and athletically during his mother’s treatment, not in spite of it.
The Communication Strategy
Ben’s daily phone calls weren’t just about staying connected—they were about maintaining normal family dynamics. Research validates this approach: open and clear communication within families facing cancer serves as a protective factor for children’s psychological adjustment.
“I wanted to let cancer be cancer land and let my life be my life, separate. I think we might’ve had two or three conversations about it individually. But that’s out of 60, 70 conversations.”
The calls followed a specific pattern backed by psychological research:
Cancer days: Wednesdays were designated for checking on treatment
Life days: Every other day was about walking to class, conversations with professors, guitar club - the texture of daily life
Duration: Brief but consistent, focused on sharing rather than checking in
Content: Stories, not questions. Excitement, not worry.
Studies show that maintaining routine communication focused on everyday life activities helps reduce anxiety and depression in family members during cancer treatment. The key is consistency and focus on life beyond the illness.
“There’s no ‘oh, but I can reach out tomorrow.’ It’s just, just do it today, dude. You have time. You’re walking. Do it.”
The Older Brother Paradox
Ben discovered something counterintuitive about leadership during a family crisis: the best leaders often need to be the most protective of their own emotional space.
“I supported my siblings by being interested in what they were doing,” he explains, not by becoming their therapist about cancer. He maintained his own boundaries while helping them maintain theirs.
This included choosing his own support system carefully, one close friend at college who could provide what he calls “the treatment I needed for my emotional lows,” and even developing a relationship with a professor who became an unexpected pillar of support.
Research shows that children who maintain their own support systems and activities while a parent faces cancer show better long-term psychological outcomes. The ability to compartmentalize, by keeping some aspects of life cancer-free, is actually a sign of healthy coping, not avoidance.
The Transparency Principle
When asked for his one piece of advice for families facing cancer, Ben’s response was immediate and research-backed: “Transparency. Whether your kid is 30 with their own wife and kids, whether they’re four years old and wondering why mom is running around, be honest with them.”
His reasoning cuts to the heart of family dynamics during crisis: “Kids are smart. We’re going to figure it out. If something’s wrong, we can sense it… You have to be transparent. Otherwise, we’re going to speculate, and speculation is horrible.”
The Long-Term Impact
Three years later, Ben still calls his mother every day. What started as a crisis management strategy became a permanent family structure. “Being a little selfish actually made you happier,” he reflects, recognizing that maintaining his own joy gave his mother something to look forward to.
Research shows that positive family connections and maintaining life purpose during cancer treatment are associated with better outcomes for both patients and their children. When family members thrive individually, the entire family system benefits.
Questions for Reflection
Ben’s framework, validated by decades of psychological research, raises important questions for anyone in a family crisis:
Where are family members spiraling instead of problem-solving?
What can each person control, and how can energy be redirected there?
How can family roles be maintained instead of everyone becoming caregivers?
What would transparency look like in your specific situation?
How can supporting someone include living your own life loudly?
The Research Behind the Instinct
What makes Ben’s story remarkable is how his instinctive responses align with evidence-based best practices. Systematic reviews of psychosocial interventions for children affected by parental cancer consistently show that the most effective approaches include psychoeducation, communication support, and helping children maintain their coping skills.
The components that research identifies as most helpful—structured information, emotional support, maintenance of routines, and giving children appropriate roles—are exactly what Ben provided to his siblings. His approach demonstrates that sometimes our deepest human instincts about caring for each other align perfectly with what science tells us works.
Benjamin’s story proves that sometimes the most important thing you can do is show up even when you don’t know what to do or say. His playbook offers a way to transform family crisis from a helpless waiting game into an opportunity for everyone to grow stronger—separately and together.
The older brother, who was “born for this,” teaches us that leadership during a family crisis isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about helping everyone find their own strength, maintain their own joy, and remember that life continues—even in cancer land. Especially in cancer land.
If you’re facing a family health crisis, remember: transparency builds trust, redirection preserves childhood, daily connection maintains bonds, and focusing on what you can control reduces anxiety. Most importantly, living your life well isn’t selfish—it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give someone you love who’s fighting for theirs.
Key Research
Primary Research Studies Referenced:
Adolescents With Cancer Need Trustworthy Information (Raz et al., 2016 study referenced)
Prognostic Disclosures to Children: A Historical Perspective (includes the Binger et al. 1969 study)
Impact of Parental Cancer on Children
The Psychosocial Effect of Parental Cancer: Qualitative Interviews with Patients’ Dependent Children
Impact of Parental Cancer on Children: Differences by Child’s Age and Parent’s Disease Stage
More Than Physical: The Impacts of Childhood Cancers on Mental Health
Psychological distress in parents of children treated for cancer
Systematic Reviews and Interventions:
Interventions for children of parents with cancer: an overview
Psychosocial Interventions for Families with Parental Cancer