The fluorescent lights of the waiting room hummed in my ears, each buzz adding to the symphony of anxiety playing in my chest. Mom's diagnosis had been a whirlwind, fear swirling with a desperate need to be strong for her. Watching her battle, seeing the toll it took on her spirit, planted a seed in my mind - this journey wouldn't just be physical. It would be emotional, too. And I wasn't prepared to do it alone.
My brush with emotional dysregulation in childhood, when I was face to face with the unpredictability of managing feelings, was a stark reminder. I wouldn't be "that person," not with my husband, sister, children, or friends. But I didn't need the shared experience of a group setting, though I admired those who found solace there. Years of listening to other cancer patients, both diagnosed and caregivers, told me my role would likely be support, not the recipient. I wanted individualized attention, a safe space to process my storm of emotions.
So began my quest for the ideal mental health companion on my cancer journey. It wasn't a one-size-fits-all answer, and as I embarked on my research, a kaleidoscope of options unfolded.
Navigating the Mental Health Maze:
First, there are psychologists. While not specializing in cancer, they possess expertise in understanding and treating many emotional and behavioral issues. If anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns existed before your diagnosis, they can offer valuable support in navigating their intersection with cancer.
For deeper explorations into the psyche, psychiatrists might be the answer. Equipped with the ability to prescribe medication, they can be beneficial if severe anxiety, depression, or other disorders require pharmaceutical intervention. However, it's essential to note that not all psychiatrists have experience with cancer patients, so finding one with relevant expertise is crucial. Many psychiatrists do not offer therapy, so that this route may require multiple professionals, and that’s fine (if your insurance or finances allow it).
As I did my research, I discovered psycho-oncology. These are mental health professionals specifically trained to understand the unique challenges of cancer patients and their families. They can offer counseling, therapy, and coping strategies tailored to the specific anxieties and fears of diagnosis, treatment, and survivorship. If you're looking for someone who truly "gets it," a psycho-oncologist is a strong contender.
Sometimes, the burden isn't individual; it's collective. Marriage and family therapists specialize in navigating the emotional complexities within relationships. If your diagnosis impacts your partner, children, or family dynamics, their guidance can be invaluable in navigating communication, managing expectations, and fostering connection through this challenging time.
Connecting with my psycho-oncologist
UCSF had mental health resources through support groups and social workers as well as psycho-oncologists. For me, their availability was the issue. I wanted to start talking with someone as soon as I had the treatment plan from Dr. Chien and Dr. Esserman. UCSF has terrific resources, but they weren’t available immediately. I started searching the internet for breast cancer therapists and found three profiles that looked interesting. I was looking for experienced professionals who attended a competitive school because I wanted someone whose mind would stay ahead of mine, and I used those criteria as a screen. I also preferred a PhD over a Masters for the same reason. They’re not perfect criteria, but they helped me winnow the options down. I sent emails and left voicemails for the three individuals. It was shocking how quickly they called me back or replied to schedule a virtual meeting. None of them were meeting in person, but I felt comfortable with Zoom therapy for my cancer support. Frankly, having to do one less drive was a bonus.
The first therapist I talked with was a breast cancer survivor who redirected her practice toward breast cancer patients after her journey. She’s passionate about the unique concerns and needs of breast cancer patients. She was older than me and hot. The second therapist was a psycho-oncologist. She was the first person to introduce me to the specialty. She’d spent years working with cancer patients at CPMC (a nearby hospital) and knew my team at UCSF. Her father was a psychiatrist, and her entire career focused on cancer patients. She was a new mother who had just relocated with her family back to Los Angeles to be closer to her family. I felt comfortable and confident in her expertise, style, and experience. Sadie was a fit.
I never spoke with the third therapist. Having chosen Sadie, I contacted the first and third therapists to thank them for their time and tell them I was working with someone else. Even before we met regularly, Sadie supported me through the slide saga (one night of high anxiety). Sadie and I talked every other week throughout my chemotherapy and as needed as I prepared for and recovered from surgery. We’ve discussed this book and the adriftness I felt when treatment concluded. She was a core member of my team.
More Than Words: Exploring Alternative Therapies:
The beauty of mental health support lies in its diversity. If traditional talk therapy doesn't resonate or you want something more, consider exploring avenues like art therapy or music therapy. Expressing your emotions through creative outlets can be incredibly cathartic, allowing you to explore feelings that might be difficult to articulate with words alone. My “music therapy” was continuing to practice with my rock and roll band throughout treatment. Those 2-3 hours, sometimes sitting on a stool so I didn’t get fatigued, were an escape to an alternative reality where I was P!nk or Pat Benetar and not a cancer patient.
Finding Your Sanctuary:
Remember, the critical factor is finding a haven to express yourself freely, without judgment or the fear of burdening loved ones. Whether it's a psycho-oncologist who understands the intricate world of cancer, a psychologist who helps you unpack emotional baggage, or an art therapist who guides you through creative expression, choose someone who resonates with you, someone who creates a space to hear you.
And remember, the support doesn't have to be singular. A combination of resources might be just right. Online support groups offer community and connection, while individual therapy provides deeper exploration. Ultimately, the Peloton Breast Cancer Tribe was a supportive, informed, and powerful community I joined. The key is to find what works for you, what empowers you to face your emotions head-on, and walk your cancer journey with strength and clarity.
Faith, Fellowship, and Finding Peace: Adding Clergy and Prayer to Your Mental Health Toolkit
My quest for mental health support didn't end with exploring conventional avenues. I knew my journey wouldn't be solely medical. I yearned for something more profound, a spiritual compass to guide me through the emotional storms. It was then that I considered faith and prayer, two often overlooked resources in the mental health toolbox.
For me, prayer has always been uncomfortable. It’s in another language that I don’t speak. It’s repetitive. I asked my rabbi for musical prayers to incorporate into my daily or weekly infusion routing. That was enough for me. For some, a clergy member becomes a beacon of hope and strength. Whether it's a priest, rabbi, imam, or other religious leader, they offer a listening ear, spiritual guidance, and solace in uncertainty. They understand the human spirit's need for meaning and purpose, particularly in the face of illness. Sharing your burdens with someone who holds your faith traditions dear can be immensely comforting, offering a perspective that transcends the physical and grounds you in something larger than yourself.
Prayer, too, became a powerful tool. Reciting verses from sacred texts, whispering personal pleas in quiet moments, or simply expressing gratitude for each sunrise – these acts of devotion fostered a sense of peace and calm amidst the chaos. Whether you believe in a specific deity or find strength in connecting with a higher power, prayer can be a deeply personal expression of hope and resilience. It allows you to surrender your anxieties, finding solace in something more significant than the immediate challenges. Additionally, many people asked me if I was comfortable with them praying for me. I welcomed their prayers and support.
Remember that faith and prayer aren't substitutes for professional mental health support. They should be complementary resources, weaving a tapestry of emotional well-being alongside therapy, medication, or other modalities. Combining faith-based practices with mental health professionals can create a comprehensive emotional well-being approach catering to your spiritual and psychological needs.
I wanted a Rabbi who aligned with my beliefs, values, and level of observance. I knew she was someone I could confide in. If you don’t have a faith leader and want one, explore different religious communities or faith practices to see what resonates with you. And remember, prayer doesn't have to be traditional. Find what works for you – a walk in nature, journaling, even singing hymns – anything that allows you to connect with your spirituality and find comfort.
Ultimately, the decision to incorporate clergy and prayer into your mental health journey is deeply personal. There's no right or wrong answer, only what resonates with your needs and beliefs. Remember, you are not alone on this path. Embrace the diverse resources available.