Jacqueline was a vibrant OB/GYN night charge nurse. In the quiet seaside town of Santa Cruz, she shared her home with her dog, Lalo, under skies painted with the hues of countless sunsets and sunrises. Life had its rhythm, defined by the tides and Jacqueline’s night shifts—until one day, the rhythm skipped a beat.
An Unforeseen Pain, A Life-Altering Discovery
"When I felt that pain, I shrugged it off," Jacqueline recalls, "because hey, since when did breast cancer sign its arrival with an autograph of pain?" Her cousin, a primary care provider, suggested it could be a muscle tear.
Within mere weeks, what started as an innocuous ache grew into an unmistakable lump—an invader that wasn't there at her last self-exam. Jacqueline's instincts led her to a mammogram that echoed her fears in the grim faces of the technician and the radiologist. The ultrasound biopsy the following day confirmed what her heart had grimly anticipated.
Shattered Normalcy, Emergent Hope
Just one day after her 38th birthday, festivity gave way to reality: triple-negative breast cancer. This invasive ductal carcinoma didn't care about her lack of family history or her clean genetic slate. "You catapult from your life into an alternate universe where time is simultaneously too fast and dreadfully slow," she explains.
The first days were a blur. Yet amid the chaos, Jacqueline found her guiding star: an oncologist whose wisdom shone through his compassion—a beacon of trust. She pondered a clinical trial, only to stumble upon another shadow – an unrelated renal tumor, slow-growing yet life-threatening. Her additional tumor excluded from the trial, and hope flickered but didn't extinguish, thanks to a dedicated team at UCSF wielding their arsenal of state-of-the-art protocols.
Vanity and Vulnerability: Embracing a New Reflection
As a single, spirited woman known for her fitness and fiery locks, Jacqueline feared the erosion of her identity beneath the waves of treatment. "Will I still recognize myself when my hair cascades down my shower drain? When my complexion grows weary, when my eyebrows vanish without a trace?" she pondered. She researched the efficacy of different cold capping alternatives. She determined that Penguin Capping would provide the highest probability of retaining her hair through Adriamycin Cisplatin if Carbloplatin-Taxol chemotherapy didn’t eradicate her tumor.
A Past Life, A New Beginning
Reflecting on the day she received her diagnosis, Jacqueline shares, "My world halted. The person I was ceased to exist in that instant. The nurse, the friend—that version of me was a memory."
Jacqueline's journey with cancer was a tumultuous ride of physical and emotional upheavals. At the outset, she was primarily worried about the physical impacts, such as hair loss and the side effects of chemotherapy. However, as her journey progressed, she realized the emotional toll was far more profound.
The initial weeks were "all business," filled with hospital visits and treatments, leaving little room for emotional introspection. But around the eighth or ninth week, Jacqueline found herself in the throes of an emotional meltdown in her oncologist's office. Her oncologist assured her that many patients experience that emotional breaking point.
Jacqueline found solace and hope throughout her journey in the stories of others who were a few steps ahead in their own battles. She would look at them and think, "Okay, I'm gonna be okay". These interactions, the little hopes, tips, and tricks she picked up from them, became her bread and butter.
There were moments of bitterness—she was just 38, single, and didn’t have kids. It felt like another barrier keeping her from what society deemed 'normal.'
However, with time and perspective, Jacqueline began to see her journey as a gift. She realized that her life, as it was before the diagnosis, wasn't what she had envisioned for herself. Yes, the cancer diagnosis was a harsh blow, and the process was far from ideal, but it led her to a better life. She got off the night shift, landed a beautiful job, and discovered who her real friends were. There were numerous silver linings to her ordeal. She felt more accepted and part of a unique community that offered tremendous help to each other.
Throughout Jacqueline's journey, she felt that certain people were placed in her life at the right moments, almost as if by design. Some of these individuals appeared unexpectedly, like at her birthday bash right before her diagnosis. These people, some of whom she hadn't seen in years, were her most cherished companions throughout the year. It all seemed meant to be. She and Joelle met in the infusion center and became fast friends, cheering for each other's progress, which luckily led both of them to be pronounced cancer-free on the same day.
Despite undergoing cancer and its treatments, Jacqueline maintained her bubbly personality and long hair, which often surprised people. They would see her and find it hard to believe that she was still undergoing treatment. Jacqueline would reassure them that chemo wasn't as bad as they might think, at least for her. Everyone's experience differs, but she didn't suffer many side effects.
However, Jacqueline always emphasized that the emotional roller coaster was the hardest part. She encouraged others to accept help and seek therapy. Having a safe space to express feelings and thoughts helped her navigate the internal conflicts that come with a cancer diagnosis. In many ways, the emotional toll was more significant than the physical one.
Radiation treatment, for instance, caused only mild discoloration on her skin, akin to a mild sunburn. But emotionally, it was a challenging time. She was deep in the throes of grief. Her little sanctuary, where she could spend time with her dog, provided solace during this period.
The first time she underwent radiation, Jacqueline broke down in tears on the table. The staff was incredibly kind, wiping her tears away as she lay immobilized on the table, strapped down for precision. It was an intimidating experience, both physically and emotionally.
Emotions can sneak up on you during such times. Luckily, Jacqueline had a friend who had recently undergone the same process. This friend helped her anticipate and normalize these emotional waves, reassuring her that she was exactly where she needed to be in her journey. Her friend's support reminded Jacqueline that her feelings were expected and she wasn't alone in her struggle.
The Empowerment of Action, The Wisdom of Experience
Jacqueline offers pearls of wisdom: Find an oncologist who fights for your life as fiercely as you would. The beginning is intense, sure—but it's the tempo of your comeback song. Seek support from survivors and a good therapist. Let people help you.
As her struggle came to a close, Jacqueline discovered a sense of purpose and control in guiding others on their cancer journeys. Drawing from her experiences, she began mentoring others who had recently received a cancer diagnosis. Her advice ranged from practical tips like cold capping to preserve hair during chemo to getting eyebrows microbladed and wearing ice mittens to combat neuropathy.
For Jacqueline, this mentor role provided a sense of control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. Being able to help others navigate through their cancer journey became a source of strength for her. She firmly believes everyone should have access to resources and support when facing such an enormous challenge. Turning her hardship into a hope for others is Jacqueline's purpose.
Paying it forward became a significant part of Jacqueline's journey. She was eternally grateful for those who had guided her during the early and middle stages of her cancer journey. The guidance she received was invaluable. Now, she takes immense pride in providing others with that same guidance and hope.