Daughter's Cancers - Sandi's Experience

It's entirely different when it's your child, no matter their age

In 2003, during one of my many daily conversations with Tracey, she told me that she had felt a lump near her armpit and had seen her gynecologist, who told her, “It is nothing. A cyst. But let’s recheck it in a month”. So, Tracey and I weren’t very concerned, though we both felt she should follow up on it.  I didn’t mention it to Malcolm because I didn’t want him to worry, and he tends to go to the worst possibility immediately.

At her next appointment, the doctor again said, “It’s nothing,” but Tracey wanted it out. Thank goodness because, yes, it was cancer! She HAD saved her own life! She was only 29 years old! When she called and told me that it was cancer, I freaked out.  I think I got nauseous. Again, poor Malcolm.  I just handed him the phone and said, “Tracey has breast cancer.” Then I left him to talk to her.  He handled it great, although I know he, too, was very concerned while I was a mess.  I couldn’t concentrate on anything.  It was always on my mind, no matter what I was doing.  I cried at the drop of a hat. Malcolm didn’t know what to do with me. 

Eventually, Tracey allowed us to accompany her and Thom to her oncologist to hear the plan and prognosis firsthand.  Still, I was a wreck.  It is so different dealing with a cancer diagnosis of your child than yourself. (I didn’t initially handle that one too well either). Eventually, I began to see a psychologist who prescribed Lexapro (better living through chemistry) and said something to me that resonated.  She asked if I had confidence in Tracey’s doctors.  I did, so she asked, “Why not rely on them?” and their belief that she would ultimately be okay.

Tracey was engaged to Thom, and they planned to marry that February in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, while she was undergoing chemotherapy. I took her to a shop specializing in wigs, scarves, hats, etc., for chemo patients before the start of her chemo treatments. We found three beautiful wigs, different styles and colors, and tried to joke about her wearing different ones when Thom came home from work. It could add extra variety to their lives! The wig Tracey tried on for her wedding was named Caroline, which happened to be one of her best friends’ names. (The shop named all of their wigs) Tracey was tearful, and I told her, “You would have died to have hair like this (straight) when you were in high school.” At least she could smile about that. But I found the whole process painful. 

Her first chemo treatment was a nightmare for her, Thom, and Joelle, as she was very, very sick, and I wasn’t there to help.  I felt helpless and knew I needed to be there soon. Malcolm made reservations for me to fly out to CA before Tracey's subsequent treatment, which only helped calm me a little. I don’t remember why I wasn’t there, but I made sure to be there for the next two. At the time, they were living in a client’s guest house, and there was an apartment upstairs that I could use.  I made her favorite foods, though she couldn’t eat much. I sat beside her as she lay on the couch and tried to soothe her.  It was heartbreaking. Joelle fought with

Tracey's infusion center to get her the newest, most effective anti-emetic available at the time, Emend.  Once Tracey received that drug, the treatments became more tolerable, although she was fatigued, and we all could relax a little.  I stayed with Tracey and Thom through the following two treatments and recovery periods.  After that, things were more under control, and I could return home with the confidence that Tracey could handle the rest of her treatments.  Besides, I had a wedding to plan! Tracey got through the treatments and recovered.

After Tracey’s diagnosis, both Joelle and I tested for the BRCA gene, and unfortunately, we both tested positive. The first thing I did was schedule a hysterectomy since I was well past childbearing age, and BRCA is also known to have a greater chance of ovarian cancer. Thinking about whether to have a second mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction was more difficult. Having such a significant surgery when there was no disease is daunting.  Ultimately, I decided to go ahead with the surgery because I wanted to seriously reduce my chances of getting breast cancer again. In addition,  over the years, I had had to replace my implant three times, each of which required two surgeries, a skin expander, and replacement of the implant. The DIEP surgery uses only your tissues, so there would be no further need for surgery. After The surgery and recovery, I felt more like myself.  There was no longer anything foreign in my body. My breasts felt like normal breasts, something I hadn't had for many years. Joelle opted for an oophorectomy and additional breast screening semiannually. She said that if a scan detected breast cancer, she would have mastectomies. Malcolm and I were unhappy with her decision because we feared Joelle took too big a risk. In 2023, she finally decided to go ahead with bilateral mastectomies and DIEP flap reconstruction.  The day before her scheduled surgery, additional testing revealed breast cancer!

When she called to tell me, my reaction was very different from when Tracey had called with the same news.  Of course, I was upset, but their circumstances were significantly different.  Joelle was older, her family was complete, and we had been through this twice.  I was sure that Joelle had detected her cancer very early and that she would be fine. Secretly, I was angry that she had waited so long to have the surgery, but as Tracey pointed out to me, it’s challenging to have such a drastic surgery when there is nothing wrong with you. I was not as frightened as I had been with our previous diagnoses. I felt terrible that Joelle would now have to go through chemo before surgery, and I wanted to be there to help.  I knew that the antiemetic drugs that Joelle fought to get for Tracey were now more widely available.  There were generics. I felt that no matter how old you are, having your Mom there provides comfort, and I wanted to be there for Joelle and myself.  I needed to see that she would be okay. I have never felt any guilt over our repeated bouts with breast cancer because I had no control over my genetics. Still, I wanted to be with her for support.

I went with Joelle to her first chemotherapy treatment, ensuring she had her unique socks and mittens, keeping her company when awake, and ensuring she ate lunch.  At home, I kept her company and helped her with whatever she needed, even driving her to sit in Ariel’s car when the shift stopped working and she had to tow it to the dealership. Joelle couldn’t drive, and Ariel needed to go to school, so I drove Joelle in Neal’s pickup truck to meet Ariel at a parking lot near the expressway and waited for AAA. Joelle and I also went to watch one of Ariel’s lacrosse matches. I was happy to take her to the game because she had always been a regular spectator, and I wanted her to feel as "normal" as possible.

Her friend community was incredible. Meals were delivered every other day, enough for two dinners, so I didn’t have to cook! After a week, we all felt that it was time for me to go home and that Joelle could handle herself with Neal’s assistance. I left feeling relief that she had finally done what she could to stay healthy and avoid another frightening diagnosis.

But then we had another shock. By the summer,  Joelle successfully finished her chemotherapy and surgery. She was cancer-free. Even though Tracey had had chemo twenty years before and prophylactic mastectomies a few years after her treatment, we learned that she once again was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It is a new cancer, not a recurrence. How was this possible?  Doctors said there was only a 2-3% chance of this happening again.  But, as we know, when it is you, it is 100%.  I think that I was numb at this point. Once again, Tracey had found the lump, and because it was so small, the prognosis was good.  She and Thom did not want me to come then.  They did not feel that they would need the help, and they didn’t. After Tracey finished her treatment and had surgery to remove whatever they could find, replace implants, and clean up scar tissue, I came to California because Thom and Jake would be away at a baseball showcase, so I would be there in the event something unexpected happened.

I think that having gone through cancer three times myself, twice with Tracey, and once with Joelle, I keep saying, “ENOUGH!”. I know that there is indeed a possibility that someone in the family might someday have to face another cancer diagnosis, but it feels like enough is enough! We found all of these cancers early, giving us the best chance to beat them, and we all are extra vigilant, knowing that we are not invincible. Still, I worry. I guess it comes with being a mother. 

Cancer has impacted our family in several ways, but I think that the most important is that it has brought us all closer, especially Joelle and Tracey. I live across the country from them and consequently could not be present daily, weekly, or monthly. They were there for each other through all the ups and downs of treatment and recovery. Their children have become very aware of the fragility of life and are more sensitive and attentive. We are blessed to have a family that enjoys being together for fun and supports each other when times are tough.